Patapon is frequently described as a fun game. The new player will certainly be charmed into thinking so by the MS Paint graphics style and the cloying voiceovers.
Don’t believe it for a second.
This game is hardcore. It’s tough and will require perseverance and steely resolve. You will have to guide the walking eyeballs to Earthend, defeat their eternal enemies, the Zigutons, and slay the monstrous beasts that terrorise the lands. You will command them in battle, resurrect their fallen and summon legendary heroes. It is for no mere mortal, this task; this is a job for a god.
Accordingly, you play the role of the Mighty Patapon, the Big Patapon in the Sky.
It turns out, O Mighty Patapon, you also have to be a bit of a dick.
Take units in Patapon. There are a variety of unit categories — swordsmen/axemen, spearmen, bowmen, cavalry, heavy infantry, etc. — and each category features unit variants as well. For instance, the Tatepon swordsmen/axeman come in Mogyoon Tatepon, Mofeel Tatepon or Gekolos Tatepon flavours. The better the ingredients, the better the unit.
Unfortunately, there are unit quotas in Patapon. For instance, you may only have a maximum of six Tatepons or three Dekapons. Equally unfortunately, you may not upgrade existing Patapon units. You can change their equipment but you may not upgrade the units themselves.
If you do decide to get a tougher, faster and more effective attacker for a squad that’s full, you will first have to remove a unit from the squad. To do this, you have to hit the Select button (which is unhelpfully labelled “Quit”), confirm then watch as the valiant Patapon you selected collapses pitifully to the floor, the life sucked out of him simply because he wasn’t deemed good enough by a fickle deity.
The only way this could be a more painful experience is if the Patapon squeaked out, “But why-y-y-y …” as he left this mortal plane.
Well, nobody said being a god was easy.
